The International 3 is now upon us, and watching it
will be more players than ever before. With this being the biggest and
best-known event in Dota 2, and with Dota 2 having been officially
released recently, there will be a large influx of players who aren’t
used to paying attention to the “pro scene”; not knowing the words, the
methods or the tropes of professional Dota 2 games-- including myself.
I know very little about how the world of the pro players actually
works. I don’t know much about the popular picks, I don’t know why half
the popular picks I do know are popular, I barely even know the teams’
names. Obviously since I work with DotaCinema, it’s a poor idea to let
this woeful lack of knowledge come into play; if I’m to stay working
here I have to put on the visage of knowing my stuff. There’s nothing
more sad than a DotaCinema guy who hasn’t a clue. This is why I’ve
amassed over time a number of personal tips and tricks that allow me to
successfully sound like I know what everybody else is talking about.
With The International upon us, I’ve decided to spread
these methods among the players. I hope to help everybody look, sound
and feel exactly as informed as your average caster. No longer will you
look like a total prat by saying “Why did they pick Crystal Maiden?”
I’ll be taking you step-by-step through your typical professional game,
providing a number of buzzwords and phrases to insert into your dialogue
with which you may pretend to have some semblance of comprehension.
The most important thing is not to know what’s going on, but to sound like you do.
Stage One: The Tournament System
It is likely that by the time this article is released, people will be attempting to explain how The International 3’s tiered win/lose system works.
Having had it explained to me three times, I still have no idea how it
works. It has something to do with high and low tiers and I think if you
lose one you’re out of the competition, but not always. Or something.
As such, I have quickly worked up a few buzzwords to use while having it
explained to you. These include:
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Ah, but will that be fair?
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That sounds fair.
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That doesn’t make sense.
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That seems logical.
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I prefer the old system.
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I prefer the new system.
And if none of these work, apply the be-all, end-all phrase:
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What does this mean for the meta?
Stage Two: The Picks and the Bans
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The more boring the hero seems, the more powerful it actually is.
This is why you often see Chen or Batrider or people like that – the
fiddly ones that you are awful at playing – being picked or banned.
Similarly, heroes that are extremely dull or one-tone in appearance,
namely Lifestealer (slow, Rage, punchpunchpunchpunch) or Nature’s
Prophet (teleport in, auto-attack, auto-attack, auto-attack,
auto-attack, bugger off) and others, are actually the most professional
of all.
This means that in pro games you'll most often see heroes that appear
totally useless in your own hands perform at a level far higher than you
are capable of understanding. This is where I come in.
You see, pretending to sound like you know what you’re talking about is
all about the terminology. If you can sound like you know what you’re
on about, you’re halfway there. With this fact in mind, you can then
officially apply the following terminology to certain hero types:
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If a fun hero with high utility defined by one major gimmick is picked, you can say “This was an interesting pick.”
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If a hero commonly seen in public matches with little significant utility is picked, such as Bloodseeker or Sniper, you say ”This was an unexpected pick.”
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If heroes you personally are awful at and seem impossible to play such as Chen or Io are picked, you say “This was a standard pick.”
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And finally, if you see a remarkably boring right-click carry like Nature's Prophet or Lifestealer picked, you say “This was an inevitable pick.”
And if none of these work, apply the be-all, end-all phrase:
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What does this mean for the meta?
Stage Three: The Laning
First of all, forget everything you thought you knew about laning. Two
heroes per side-lane and one hero soloing middle? Forget about it.
Professionals have, I believe, actually transcended to a higher plane of
existence, where the rules of Dota 2 no longer apply.
What you’ll be seeing in professional games can more be described as
“organised nonsense”, or possibly “flehfbluegh”. You will commonly see
an entire team parade down one lane, charge through the enemy jungle and
fill it to the brim with wards, before sodding off and having a
tri-lane, in which a lane is run by three heroes rather than two.
Sometimes you will see a team leave a lane, cover itself in Smoke of
Deceit before running around in circles and going back to their lanes.
And “staying in lane”? What do these words mean to a professional? Just
about the only time you will see anyone stay where they are is when a
Nature’s Prophet is engaging in what we like to call Nature’s Profit.
The rest of the time, players will be up and down and all around the map
like a group of dancing lunatics.
The important thing, when this happens, is not to panic. Do not
say something like “What are they doing?” or “I’ve not seen this
before,” because that is a dead giveaway to your peers that you have no
idea what you’re talking about. What you must instead do is make various
standard Oohs and Aahs, making sure you sound like you’re used to this happening.
If pressed and someone asks you if you think some ability usage or
another will pay off, this means the action is nonstandard enough for
you to shrug and say “I have no idea," or possibly even "Wait until the action comes into play.” This piece of meaningless gibberish should suitably impress your peers.
And if none of these work, apply the be-all, end-all phrase:
-
What does this mean for the meta?
Stage Four: The Teamfights
If this is the case, do not panic. Be assured in the fact that probably
nobody watching with you knows what’s going on in this clustered mess
either. As such, instead of making specific comments on the subject,
oftentimes you can get away with a simple “I just watched someone get kicked in the crotch” sound.
As for specifics, it is entirely plausible that something important has
happened by the latter half of a team engagement. I find it helpful to
watch around the edges and keep an eye on the people coming and going,
and reacting accordingly.
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If someone is low on health and trying to run away, you say “It will be impressive if he/she escapes in time,”
with different emphases on the word impressive depending on whether the
low-health hero is being chased, is slowed or has projectiles heading
for them. Bonus points for making the kicked-in-crotch sound again if they get caught.
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If someone is flinging spells in a seemingly random fashion into
the middle of the fray, running in and out or nowhere near the fight at
all, you say “This person is playing it safe,” with the emphasis varying depending on just how safe they are.
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Finally, if there’s a really big hero in the middle of the battle
and something goes bang, chances are they’ve done something important.
As such, you will say something like “That was a brilliantly-timed ultimate that may win the fight for them.” There is a roughly 90% chance you’ll be right.
Specific spells to watch out for are Reverse Polarity, Black Hole and Ravage,
three of the biggest game-changers you’re likely to see in these games -
but, most importantly, these three spells are very easy to spot, being
huge and obvious and noisy, and will be heralded by people screaming in
apparent joy or possibly due to a haemorrhage. When this happens, you are allowed to join in,
and perhaps even yell out the name of the spell that was cast. That
way, you will give a demonstration of apparent baseline understanding of
the game.
And if none of these work, apply the be-all, end-all phrase:
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What does this mean for the meta?
Stage Five: The Fails
We all know fails, do we not? DotaCinema is famous for collecting them,
and we all have some now and then. They make the game interesting.
However, you will not see fails in the pro games.
The pro players are perfect.
In this case, if you see something that looks like a fail, do not burst
into laughter. This was more than likely an advanced technique far
beyond your range of understanding. Observe this
example from the
TI3 qualifiers.
Now you see here, this Sven apparently missed his stun, causing it to
sail over a number of creeps, through a group of enemy heroes before
hitting a rather harmless boar. This would normally be cause for
ridicule, but what you actually see here is an advanced scare tactic,
intended to intimidate the enemy team.
When you see an apparent fail, you will use by default the term
advanced scare tactic unless the situation demands something more
situational. A good list is as follows:
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Advanced farming technique.
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Advanced escape manoeuvre.
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Advanced juking manoeuvre.
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Advanced warding method.
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Advanced scouting mannerism.
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And, in the worst cases, Advanced self-denial.
Note that the word “Advanced” is in every term. This is because in
order to sound like you know your stuff, adding “advanced” to everything
pretty much makes it 50% more professional-sounding.
And if none of these work, apply the be-all, end-all phrase:
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What does this mean for the meta?
Now you should be fully equipped to watch The International 3
with the absolute self-assured knowledge that the people around you
think you know what’s going on. You can impress your friends with your
fabricated knowledge of ultimates, picks and laning tactics. Put on the
right voice and you'll be practically indistinguishable from the best
casters!
That is the magic of pretending to know what's going on. Speaking as a member of DotaCinema, it’s worked wonders for me.
